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Fostering - carers' stories
Natasha's story
About 13 years ago, I was a single mother with one daughter. When she was around 6 years old, I decided I wanted to get back into the work place. I wanted to do something worthwhile and meaningful, whilst paying the bills and also still be a present full-time parent. I felt my options were limited.
Someone suggested fostering and my first response was, ‘Am I qualified?’ and, ‘Would they let me be a single parent foster carer?’ The simple answer is… yes. I made that all important decision and made a call to my local council, who put me in touch with my local authority fostering service. Within a few days, someone came to meet me at my home and as they say, the rest is history!
At first I just wanted to find out a bit more about what fostering was and if I could do it. The more I learnt about it, the more I knew this is exactly what I had been looking for and was eager to get started. Before I knew it, my fostering assessment was completed and I was approved as a foster carer with AfC Fostering Service, my Local Authority Fostering Service for Windsor & Maidenhead. Since that time, I have fostered babies and children over 13 years.
I am now the AfC Fostering Recruitment Officer, which means if you call our fostering enquiries line, the call comes to me and I can answer any of your questions about fostering - as I have probably asked it myself!
Fostering has had a huge impact on not only myself but also my daughter and all those who know me. My daughter quickly adapted and learnt how to share me with others. She experienced the highs and lows of being a big foster sister (her snacks and toys were no longer just hers!). She most importantly learnt empathy from a young age which has shaped her into the caring adult she is now.
For me it has been life changing. I have loved being a foster carer and though I have helped and changed a lot of children's lives in my many years, I can honestly say I got more out of this role than I could have ever imagined. It is, along with my daughter, my proudest achievement in my life. My only regret is that I did not pick up that phone and make that call earlier.
A lot of people say to me they could not foster as they would not be able to let their foster children go at the end of a placement. I have to admit it is hard and I do cry when my foster children move on as I have loved them fiercely and with the same intensity as I do my own child. My foster children are fully immersed into my family so when they move on, it is hard. But I know I will see them again in a few days and see that they are ok as the transition process is completed. I am on the end of the phone to support them and their carers or birth family as they settle into their home. For most of my foster children, I have been privileged enough to stay in their lives, I get to see them sometimes and be kept updated as they reach new milestones.
It is so positive seeing a child settled and happy in their forever home, be that back with their birth family or with their adoptive family. Seeing this happen, along with the many other aspects of fostering, has been some of my proudest moments. Though the urge to jump in and help with seatbelts or car seats on the morning they leave is overwhelming, I stand back and let them work it out as they are the parents now.
My daughter and I always took some time to reset and recharge as a family when a foster child transitioned or moved on. Then, when we felt ready, we made a call to our supervising social worker and waited for the next child that we were lucky enough to care for, to come into our family and we started the journey again.
Fostering has been wonderful for me as a single mother and foster carer. I have been able to see all of my daughter’s school productions, attend her events at school and be there for her during the school holidays. It has allowed me to do something worthwhile for myself and my family. Being a foster carer allowed me to be a full time mum and run a household without needing to work a 9 to 5 type job.
Would I foster again? In a heartbeat. I didn’t think I could, but I absolutely did!
Chris' story
I first thought about fostering when I was in my twenties as my partner at the time had been in foster care and we used to regularly go and visit his foster parents. Although by this time he was in his thirties, it was wonderful to see what an impact they had had on his life and were continuing to have, well into his adulthood.
I probably started to think again about fostering when I hit my forties and, having no children of my own, thought I might be able to help a young person at a time when they needed it. I had thought it was unlikely I would be approved as I was single but I read about a successful single foster carer and so enquired.
I was told that being single and maintaining my teaching job would not be barriers. I took a leap and sold my one bedroom flat to buy a home with three bedrooms. Once the building work was coming to an end on the house, I called AfC and booked onto the Skills to Foster day. I was pleased not to be the only single female on the course and was inspired by the day’s input. I went ahead with the assessment process and five years ago, this Summer, was approved for short term care with a preference for teenagers, which meant that I could continue teaching.
Very soon after approval, I got a call with news of my first young person coming to stay, a 14 year old boy. I was nervous and excited and hoping to get everything right. During the last five years I have had two fairly long-term teenage boys with me and a couple of respite/short term teenage boys too. The first boy is still with me on a staying put agreement as a 19 year old, attending university. And I continue to be in contact with the other longer-term boy, as we’ve kept in touch during school holidays and he now comes for tutoring as he approaches his GCSEs.
It hasn’t been plain-sailing all the way, how could it be? But I would not be the person I am now without this amazing experience. I definitely made the right decision to foster with AfC because the support I received, when I needed it, made me able to continue to care for these very special young people. I’m aware that I’ve had an impact on their lives but my life has been so truly enhanced by having this opportunity, I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to anyone thinking about a future in fostering.
Ami's story
Hi, I’m Ami. Me and my families fostering adventures actually began as we considered options to have another child. We started the journey and soon realised how exciting it could be if we could instead be not one child, in fact not even two - but instead an infinite number of diverse children and teenagers who need a caring home during a tricky time for them and their family.
We are now 4 years into this and we can honestly say it'ss been the most incredible adventure; each and every child and young person who has joined our family and then moved on has stayed with us in one way or another. Their stories become our stories and their incredible personalities, struggles, strengths, challenges, smiles and joys shape our lives and the lives of our birth children in the most wonderful way.
To get to know these young people and children and get to play such a privileged role in their lives at such a tricky time in their stories, is the best and most exciting and fulfilling adventure we could ever have hoped for. Fostering has been such a positive influence in our birth children’s experience and they are growing into better people for it, for knowing and caring for our foster loves.
The training aspect is also a huge plus and has allowed me to explore professional development in areas I hadn’t considered before. The practical learning and theoretical study combined with working as part of a team and interacting cooperatively with such a wide range of professionals has been excellent for me and has positively impacted both my home life (in parenting my birth children) and my ‘other’ professional field as a teacher.
I would encourage anyone to consider fostering – really consider it. Full disclosure, it’s hard work. There are days you want to run screaming to your support network and drink ALL the coffee. There are tears and difficult goodbyes and frustrations. But the professional support network is there to guide you through each stage. All of that pales in comparison to the joy of the work. Best Adventure. Ever.
By Ami, who has been a foster carer for four years
Ruth's story
"Becoming a foster carer isn’t simply a matter of ‘having room in your home and in your heart"
Fostering requires resilience, determination, a sense of humour, patience, organisation, team work, an ability to push hard for what the children in your care need, an excellent support network – let alone the skills to look after vulnerable children who have experienced traumatic starts to life before coming to live with you.
My family – me, my husband and three boys – have been fostering for about eight years now and we love it. We love having other children as part of our family for as long as they need it. We love the knowledge that we’re making a difference for a shortish time to a child. We love that we’re playing a vital role in our local community.
We’re not superhuman, so we know that many other people and families have these attributes too and could make fantastic foster carers – so why not see if that could be you?
"I don’t know how you do it, I could never say goodbye."
That’s perhaps the most common statement we hear when people find out we’re foster carers. And, to be honest, it’s probably the thing we say to ourselves the most too because saying goodbye to a child you’ve sought to love, care for and nurture as part of your family is really tough. We all shed tears – a lot of them.
I once heard a foster carer say that the day they stop crying when they say goodbye to a child is the day they stop fostering, and I agree. Being a foster carer is a complex role, but at its heart is caring for a child and, in most cases, helping them to move on well to a permanent home – whether back to their birth family, to adoption or to long-term fostering.
We understand this is the case right from the outset, so when a child moves on we can have a feeling of a job well done (as well as the sadness of saying goodbye).
Fostering does require resilience, every day and not just when saying goodbye to a child. It’s an emotional and challenging task, but the rewards are huge.
"Can I foster if…?"
I’m not sure why, but people often have a very strange view of who can and can’t be a foster carer.
As practising Christians we’re sometimes asked by other Christians if having an active faith is an obstacle to becoming a foster family – our answer is ‘as long as you can (and are willing to) meet the needs of the children in your care, then it shouldn’t be an obstacle at all’.
It’s that ‘meeting the needs of the child’ that is at the heart of so many of the answers to the misconceptions people have about fostering:
Question: ‘Can I foster if I haven’t got my own children?’
Answer: ‘As long as you’ve got the relevant skills or experience to help you meets the needs of the child in your care, then whether you do or don’t have children is irrelevant.’
Questions: ‘Can I foster if I have a disability?’ ‘Can I foster if I’m single?’ ‘Can I foster if I’m over 60?’
Answer: ‘Yes, if you can meet the needs of the child in your care.’
by Ruth Sinclair, Achieving for Children foster carer
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