Fostering - carers' stories

 

Natasha's story

About 13 years ago, I was a single mother with one daughter. When she was around 6 years old, I decided I wanted to get back into the work place. I wanted to do something worthwhile and meaningful, whilst paying the bills and also still be a present full-time parent. I felt my options were limited.

Someone suggested fostering and my first response was, ‘Am I qualified?’ and, ‘Would they let me be a single parent foster carer?’ The simple answer is… yes. I made that all important decision and made a call to my local council, who put me in touch with my local authority fostering service. Within a few days, someone came to meet me at my home and as they say, the rest is history!

At first I just wanted to find out a bit more about what fostering was and if I could do it. The more I learnt about it, the more I knew this is exactly what I had been looking for and was eager to get started. Before I knew it, my fostering assessment was completed and I was approved as a foster carer with AfC Fostering Service, my Local Authority Fostering Service for Windsor & Maidenhead. Since that time, I have fostered babies and children over 13 years. 

I am now the AfC Fostering Recruitment Officer, which means if you call our fostering enquiries line, the call comes to me and I can answer any of your questions about fostering - as I have probably asked it myself!

Fostering has had a huge impact on not only myself but also my daughter and all those who know me. My daughter quickly adapted and learnt how to share me with others. She experienced the highs and lows of being a big foster sister (her snacks and toys were no longer just hers!). She most importantly learnt empathy from a young age which has shaped her into the caring adult she is now. 

For me it has been life changing. I have loved being a foster carer and though I have helped and changed a lot of children's lives in my many years, I can honestly say I got more out of this role than I could have ever imagined. It is, along with my daughter, my proudest achievement in my life. My only regret is that I did not pick up that phone and make that call earlier.

A lot of people say to me they could not foster as they would not be able to let their foster children go at the end of a placement. I have to admit it is hard and I do cry when my foster children move on as I have loved them fiercely and with the same intensity as I do my own child. My foster children are fully immersed into my family so when they move on, it is hard. But I know I will see them again in a few days and see that they are ok as the transition process is completed. I am on the end of the phone to support them and their carers or birth family as they settle into their home. For most of my foster children, I have been privileged enough to stay in their lives, I get to see them sometimes and be kept updated as they reach new milestones. 

It is so positive seeing a child settled and happy in their forever home, be that back with their birth family or with their adoptive family. Seeing this happen, along with the many other aspects of fostering, has been some of my proudest moments. Though the urge to jump in and help with seatbelts or car seats on the morning they leave is overwhelming, I stand back and let them work it out as they are the parents now.

My daughter and I always took some time to reset and recharge as a family when a foster child transitioned or moved on. Then, when we felt ready, we made a call to our supervising social worker and waited for the next child that we were lucky enough to care for, to come into our family and we started the journey again.

Fostering has been wonderful for me as a single mother and foster carer. I have been able to see all of my daughter’s school productions, attend her events at school and be there for her during the school holidays. It has allowed me to do something worthwhile for myself and my family. Being a foster carer allowed me to be a full time mum and run a household without needing to work a 9 to 5 type job. 

Would I foster again? In a heartbeat. I didn’t think I could, but I absolutely did!

Chris' story

I first thought about fostering when I was in my twenties as my partner at the time had been in foster care and we used to regularly go and visit his foster parents. Although by this time he was in his thirties, it was wonderful to see what an impact they had had on his life and were continuing to have, well into his adulthood. 

I probably started to think again about fostering when I hit my forties and, having no children of my own, thought I might be able to help a young person at a time when they needed it. I had thought it was unlikely I would be approved as I was single but I read about a successful single foster carer and so enquired. 

I was told that being single and maintaining my teaching job would not be barriers. I took a leap and sold my one bedroom flat to buy a home with three bedrooms. Once the building work was coming to an end on the house, I called AfC and booked onto the Skills to Foster day. I was pleased not to be the only single female on the course and was inspired by the day’s input. I went ahead with the assessment process and five years ago, this Summer, was approved for short term care with a preference for teenagers, which meant that I could continue teaching.  

Very soon after approval, I got a call with news of my first young person coming to stay, a 14 year old boy. I was nervous and excited and hoping to get everything right. During the last five years I have had two fairly long-term teenage boys with me and a couple of respite/short term teenage boys too. The first boy is still with me on a staying put agreement as a 19 year old, attending university. And I continue to be in contact with the other longer-term boy, as we’ve kept in touch during school holidays and he now comes for tutoring as he approaches his GCSEs. 

It hasn’t been plain-sailing all the way, how could it be? But I would not be the person I am now without this amazing experience. I definitely made the right decision to foster with AfC because the support I received, when I needed it, made me able to continue to care for these very special young people. I’m aware that I’ve had an impact on their lives but my life has been so truly enhanced by having this opportunity, I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to anyone thinking about a future in fostering.

Ami's story

Ruth's story

"Becoming a foster carer isn’t simply a matter of ‘having room in your home and in your heart"

"I don’t know how you do it, I could never say goodbye."

That’s perhaps the most common statement we hear when people find out we’re foster carers. And, to be honest, it’s probably the thing we say to ourselves the most too because saying goodbye to a child you’ve sought to love, care for and nurture as part of your family is really tough. We all shed tears – a lot of them.

I once heard a foster carer say that the day they stop crying when they say goodbye to a child is the day they stop fostering, and I agree. Being a foster carer is a complex role, but at its heart is caring for a child and, in most cases, helping them to move on well to a permanent home – whether back to their birth family, to adoption or to long-term fostering.

We understand this is the case right from the outset, so when a child moves on we can have a feeling of a job well done (as well as the sadness of saying goodbye).

Fostering does require resilience, every day and not just when saying goodbye to a child. It’s an emotional and challenging task, but the rewards are huge.

"Can I foster if…?"

I’m not sure why, but people often have a very strange view of who can and can’t be a foster carer.

As practising Christians we’re sometimes asked by other Christians if having an active faith is an obstacle to becoming a foster family – our answer is ‘as long as you can (and are willing to) meet the needs of the children in your care, then it shouldn’t be an obstacle at all’.

It’s that ‘meeting the needs of the child’ that is at the heart of so many of the answers to the misconceptions people have about fostering:

Question: ‘Can I foster if I haven’t got my own children?’

Answer: ‘As long as you’ve got the relevant skills or experience to help you meets the needs of the child in your care, then whether you do or don’t have children is irrelevant.’

Questions: ‘Can I foster if I have a disability?’ ‘Can I foster if I’m single?’ ‘Can I foster if I’m over 60?’

Answer: ‘Yes, if you can meet the needs of the child in your care.’

by Ruth Sinclair, Achieving for Children foster carer

Jana's story

Hello, my name is Jana and I have been fostering for Achieving for Children for the last 10 years.

When my first child was a few years old, I wanted to explore the process of adoption, as this was something I had considered for a number of years. Whilst I was learning about this process, I was steered  into fostering as a possibility, which I felt was a better fit for my family. I then went on to have my second child, and when she was 2 years old I took the plunge and started the process to become a foster carer.

My preference initially was to foster younger children as I had first hand experience of my own children to draw from.

After a few short placements I was approached by my social worker who asked if I would consider supporting a 15 year old (named C) for a weekend of respite. Though a little apprehensive I was happy to support, and it was such a positive experience. 

During this placement it was lovely to see how my own children interacted with C. I was able to give my own children the time and energy they needed from me, as well as support C in the best possible way; this was largely helped by the differences in their ages and it worked really well for us all. This was the first time I had supported a teenager, and C was so much better behaved than I was at that age! This gave me the confidence to continue to foster older children, and I now really enjoy supporting this age group. 

I was then asked by my social worker if I would consider supporting a young asylum seeker. At this time, I had also just moved into a new home, which allowed two spare bedrooms for fostering. I felt confident to support this young person, and from that point I never looked back and have since supported multiple asylum seeking young people.

It is often the case that young people seeking asylum do not have much family contact, and so it’s not uncommon for them to maintain contact with us when they leave care. They feel a family connection with us which we are happy to share, and for me and my children that is the most rewarding part. We are able to provide them with a sense of belonging and through us, they have a sense of family which had been missing for them for a long time prior. They have always been respectful of me and my family. 

I feel as though this type of fostering has been especially beneficial for my own birth children who are able to learn about other children’s circumstances, they have also developed a deeper sense of acceptance and empathy for others. Fostering has given my children a greater insight into other cultures and religions. 

What I like about fostering is that it gives me the flexibility to be there for my own children as well as my foster children every day. My partner has an office based job so can not always be there for the children like I am able to do in my job.

Looking back over my fostering journey, the last 10 years have been so rewarding and I know I have made a huge difference to children that have come into our home. Along the way, as a family, we have met some incredible young people who we have also learned so much from and consider as family now. We will always be there for them, wherever they may be.

S's story

When my daughter left home, we had an empty room and the house felt very quiet without her as she has a very bubbly personality. I started to miss being a parent and my parental role in the house. Whilst shopping in the local highstreet, I saw someone with a stand talking about fostering for the local council, I took leaflets and talked about it with the lady - She told me that there is a lack of local foster carers in the borough. I went home and thought about what she had said and whether I was the person they were looking for and if I could do the job. I had a lot of talks within the family about potentially becoming a foster carer. I spoke to my daughter who had just left home and asked her how she would feel and how it would impact her if I were to use her old bedroom for a fostered child. We spoke about the vulnerable children that needed a loving and supportive home who would be using her room and it was clear that my daughter felt very accepting and supported us going into fostering. I decided to make the call and to get someone to come and see if our house could become a fostering household. 

A fostering social worker came round and said our home and family were just what they are looking for and explained the processes. We had our assessment, went to fostering panel, were approved and then started fostering. As a family, we have now been fostering for 8 years and have fostered 19 children of all different ages. We have fostered newborns to care leavers (18+) and we have had all different types of foster placements, from respite for a couple of days, to short term for a few months and we now have a long term placement, which means we will care for our foster child until she is 18 and possibly beyond as ‘staying put’. 

My eldest daughter and her husband are very much involved as we chose them as our ‘back up’ carers and they regularly see the children and have them over to give us a break from time to time if we want or need it. It is so important to have a strong support network around you as it not only helps you, but your birth children and foster children.

We did have a younger birth child still living at home with us and from the start we explained about fostering in an open and honest dialogue. She was very much involved in the process and when we got a referral for a child, we would discuss as a family to make sure it was a suitable fit for our family. We always have to be in agreement for us to take on the placement. 

What my birth children gained from fostering, in a nutshell, is realising that there are children out there that do not have a stable environment or people that can give them love and care for them. They realised they took this for granted. I noticed that my own daughter became more aware of supporting children who came into our home by sharing her toys and she showed immense empathy towards the children we cared for. She went from being the baby of the family to the ‘big sister’ and with that brought responsibility. She grew in confidence and is a role model for the children. It was lovely to see the bond developing and understanding when the foster children moved on. We all found it hard but supported each other and knew we had made a difference to a child's life.

When the newborn baby arrived, it brought back a lot of memories for me having my own children. It was nice to have that knowledge already, even if a little rusty, but it came back quickly and I had my social worker at the end of the phone if I had any questions. I also had training I could access if I needed. Our next placement was a young child who attended school, so it was back to school runs, getting out and about and meeting lots of new parents, which was lovely actually.

I would say fostering is a little different to raising my own children. Before making any major decisions regarding my foster children, I usually have to have these agreed by the child's social worker which actually is quite reassuring to have that, rather than me making those kinds of decisions myself on behalf of the child. Saying that, as the foster carer we are the primary carer for the child and know them best so we do advocate for the child and are listened to by the fostering team, the children’s team and the courts regarding future outcomes for the children we look after.

If you are considering fostering and now have that spare room in your home, I would definitely recommend getting in touch with your local authority fostering team, for me this was AfC. Have that informal chat with someone from the fostering team. It is more than likely you will be who they are looking for and your fostering journey will begin. There is so much support within AfC for new carers as well for long experienced carers with regular support groups, the fostering association set up specifically for foster carers as well as being paired with a mentor to help support new carers. 

My home and spare room went from being quiet and not in use to being a place children can call home whilst giving me and my family wonderful experiences and skills. 

Abigail's story

I am Abigail and I am the daughter of my foster carer parents, Christina and Craig, aka mum and dad! I also have a younger brother, Anthony. Mum and dad have been approved mainstream foster carers with AfC now for about 12 years. The reason we decided to become a fostering family was because in 2007 we were approached by childrens services and asked if we were able to care for our cousins who were not able to live with their parents at that time. This is known as kinship care. Kinship foster care is very similar to mainstream foster care, however instead of caring for a child you do not know or is not linked to you, you fulfill the role of a foster carer for a family member or close friend. This was sudden and unexpected at the time, but we quickly adapted as a family and then cared for them for two years. After this ended, my cousins moved back to live with their parents. 

During this time, Mum and dad got to understand what being a foster carer meant and entailed. They felt like this was something that we could do more of as a family - we could help children by giving them a safe and loving home. My mum and dad wanted to explore becoming mainstream foster carers but decided they wanted my younger brother to be a bit older before they started. They wanted him to be school age and settled into school and his routine before making any changes. 

When I was about 11 years old and Anthony was 9, my parents were confident the time was right for our family to start our fostering journey. They spoke to me and my brother and asked us how we would feel. We were keen as we had enjoyed having our cousins. We also have a big extended family so we were used to having a busy home and looking after and having sleepovers with family and friends. 

Mum and dad asked us what was important for us if they applied, I said it was important that they only fostered children younger than me. I was the oldest in the home and didn’t want anyone older than me, they agreed. We also said we would discuss every referral that they were sent as a family before making a decision on whether we could take on that placement. We would have to all be in agreement that the placement was suitable for our family as a whole.

Mum and dad applied, they had a fostering assessment, me and my brother were part of that assessment. I remember our assessing social worker visiting our home, we sat in the living room and we were asked how we felt about it, what was important to us, if we were worried etc. I liked this social worker, when he spoke to us it didn’t feel like he was asking us questions to tick a box or only questions about fostering, he slowly got to know us and we got to know him. They also contacted mine and my brother’s schools to let them know we were planning to become a fostering household. This meant that the teachers and staff were aware and able to support us if ever needed. I liked talking to my teachers and friends at school about fostering but never really needed any extra support. I’ll always remember our longer term supervising social workers

After mum and dad were approved, we accepted our first placement. This was a sibling group of twin girls and a baby. Initially it was a shock to the system, whilst we had spent time preparing and getting ready,  we had gone from a household of 4 to a household of 7 overnight. In addition, having a baby in the home was new as I had only had my brother and previously my cousins who were within two years of my age. Initially this was an adjustment. 

However shortly after, I realised it was quite nice! We had always been an active family, every weekend we would be out doing stuff, this didn’t change when we started to foster (An additional bonus was being invited for fostering household days out organised by AfC and outside. We always went regardless if we had a children in placement or not). Our foster siblings came with us and joined in and I liked this a lot. These children were only with us for 6 weeks but it felt longer because we did so much in that time. It was fun and exciting and I didn't feel any regret or worries during or after. I do remember that when they left I found it hard, but we knew they were going to live with grandparents and could see the children were happy and excited to be going there. When we knew they were going, we helped them pack. We took them to their grandparent’s home with all their stuff. All of their family were there, they were happy too. We were able to keep in contact for a while so I knew they were doing well and settled. 

We had a short break and then were ready again. The next placement we had was a brother and sister. The main thing I remember about these children was how quickly I realised how much they had experienced and been through before coming to our home. They had never sat at a table to eat before, they’d never been to the farm, never been to the beach. I got to experience their ‘firsts’ for so many things. This was the first time I realised that not all children got to do the things that me and my brother did or had the people around them like we did. Being in a foster family meant that I was able to learn about other children’s backgrounds, their experiences and how different their lives were to ours. It made me appreciate and not take for granted what we had as a family. As I got older I appreciated this more and more. 

As a child of foster carers and living in a fostering home, I would say that saying goodbye is always hard. Whether we have cared for children for a few days, weeks, months or years, saying goodbye is sad. These are children that have been with us 24/7 and have joined our family. We always make sure our goodbyes are as positive for the children and we prepare them for their next steps. After each placement we would do nice things as a family and then get excited for the next children we would welcome into our home. 

The most challenging part of fostering for me personally was when we cared for a child that had not got on with my friendship group due to prior issues before his placement with us. He was really struggling to process his experiences and this would show as he would struggle to communicate with other children. He would get into fights after school and have arguments with people. As mentioned, I knew some of the people he would fights or have difficulties with. However at this time, the team of professionals around him all worked together with me and my family to support us. The teachers in school would always speak to me and make sure I was ok. My friends were also very supportive. Whilst this was hard, it was manageable. I was sad when he moved to his next home and we still keep in contact and have a great relationship today. He still comes to visit and keeps in touch with us. 

Over the years we have done many different types of fostering. From babies to teenagers, single child placements and sibling placements. We did emergency fostering - this means you’re ‘on call’ and can be called at any time of the night to care for children that need an urgent place to stay. I found this exciting as we would get the call and then start getting things together for the children coming e.g. school uniform and clothes. We have had short term placements which means the children have stayed with us for a couple of weeks when they need a place temporarily. We have also had long term placements and our current foster sisters have been with us for ten years and will stay with us until they are adults and ready to move out. We don’t think of them as ‘foster siblings’ now, they genuinely are part of the family. 

Looking back now as an adult, being a foster family taught me and my brother so much without us realising it. We learnt how to care for children with additional needs or who had experienced trauma. We learnt how to adapt our communication, some of the children that came were initially shy and withdrawn, some were hyper and energetic, me and my brother learnt how to naturally adapt depending on the children in front of us. With guidance from our parents and our fostering social worker or the child’s social worker, we learnt these skills. 

Sharing was never an issue for me or my brother and I think that this is because it was a different dynamic. We knew that any child walking through our door needed to come, needed us and needed somewhere to live at that time. Whilst me and my brother never knew exactly why as this would not have been appropriate, we did know that the child needed a safe home and we could give them that safe home. Me and my brother took on a type of caring role alongside our parents. This was always led by how much we wanted or were able to, it was always on our terms. However, generally we genuinely always wanted to be involved and help where we could. 

My top tips for families thinking about fostering would be: 

• Have family agreement in place before you start that you put together and agree to. This way you know what you are comfortable with and what your limits would be and stick to it. 
• Communication is key, let your children know they can be honest and find out what your own children would like to get out of fostering.
• Build fostering into family life. Before we became a fostering household, I was very sporty. I had weekly rock climbing, karate and football. When we started fostering, none of that changed. Fostering did not impact that and I got to continue with my hobbies and interests (The foster children also joined in too!)
• Make sure you build time with your children or keep it in place. For example, dad had always taken me to karate and when we started fostering, he still did that so we had time together. Before fostering, mum would take me to get my nails or hair done, when we started fostering, that still happened. It was important that these things continued. 
• Still enjoy family days out and experiences, this doesn’t need to stop. This way you’ll get to make memories and if you have a child in placement, they will get to make these with you. You can also still build time together as a family such as when your foster children have family time with their birth families, you can use that time to spend time together with your family. 
• Time management and organisation skills are key, we were a busy household and everything ran smoothly thanks to mum and dad’s organisation and planning. 

Looking back, I realise that I was always learning so much from fostering. I felt more worldly and had a higher level of maturity and awareness compared to some of the other children of the same age at school. I was also able to empathise and understand when a friend was struggling with something. I loved fostering babies and helping mum with things like child development, play time or bedtime. This was setting me up with life skills and was always as and when I wanted to help and learn.

I always feel proud when I tell people I am part of a fostering family and I can recognise the important role me and my brother have played. When children first come into our home, they are nervous and it feels unfamiliar. I feel having me and my brother there put them at ease quicker as we were children too. Being part of a fostering family has inspired my career and education journey as I now work with vulnerable children. If I hadn’t been a foster daughter/sister I may not have realised this with a path I wanted to pursue.